My Ginger Twin

 

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As I journaled in our month-to-month, sparsely furnished apartment I pined for my things.  Like Mary Kate Danaher in The Quiet Man I wanted my belongings about me.  I wanted our stuff that had been crated and locked away in storage for a year.  My grandmother’s hope chest, my mother’s paintings, my bridal bouquet and photo albums; our china, the patchwork quilt my mother-in-law made, our four-poster bed, and lawyers bookshelves–all locked up, far away and inaccessible without a hefty digging fee.  The image of John Wayne taming the shrew in Maureen O’Hara is much like God wrestling with me many days during our ‘prison term’ in the apartment.  I thrashed about as God held onto me during my desperate prayers and journalings.  I was dragged across the meadow and through town like the brattish Mary Kate who refused to be satisfied with true love and didn’t want to learn a lesson.  My friends may have said that I handled our no-job tenure with grace, but often times inside I was a fiery red-head with a spitting Irish tongue.  Fortunately for me, God was Sean Thornton.  He would grin at me, wait for my silliness to subside and envelop me in a hug as I whimpered apologies.

My last journal entry posted here leaves us in Job, indicating that no job had been granted as of yet.  It happens obviously, and Greg and I eventually live out ten years in a beautiful home in Lucas, raising our three kids to legal completion.  But unlike the previous sentence, the day-t0-day living of the no-job journey is not as easily expressed.  My ginger twin may make an occasional appearance, but God remains my ‘quiet man,’ taming me through the tough times and loving me all the while.

Friday, March 7, 2003

Dear Jesus~

Radical faith.  Am I there?  Have I truly given all to follow You?  Sometimes I don’t know.  I think that my ideas of security with a home, etc. are keeping me from You.  Help me to give that up.  I’m trying to design Your plan.  Help me to let go & completely trust You.  “Trusting & believing God is the number one priority on God’s agenda for my life.” (Holy Ambition)  Trash everything else.  Just follow & trust.

Teach me not to question.  Jump off.  So what, we’re where we’re at?  So what we don’t know of tomorrow?  I’m excited of YOUR plan.

God, I pray for a vision of Your plan.  I pray to be patient to hear from You.

Amen

Saturday, March 8, 2003

Dear Lord~

Again, I pray for YOUR vision.  Help me to let go of all of my inhibitors.  Let Your plan shine over all else.

Thank You for this wonderful weather.  I pray that You send us somewhere today that we may enjoy the sun & be closer to You.

Lord, I pray for Frank & Maria.  If it be Your will, please bless them with a child.  Help her to become pregnant and to have a healthy baby to term.

Lord, some considerations now are to investigate Greg starting his own business or take over an existing one with the support of venture capitalists.  Please lead us in the right direction with this research or close all doors immediately.

We pray for a swift action.

Lord, I have yet to pray about the Hip Hp group I’m forming with the youth at church.  I apologize.  Please forgive me.  I definitely felt You lay it on my heart that I should have no regrets about not having had formed the group in preparation for the opening of The Family Life Center.  Lord, I sense something good there, but some elements don’t seem right.  Every other group I’ve started has taken off immediately.  Please guide me in the right direction to lead these girls to get them excited about us.  We need a name, possibly a place to practice.  I need original ideas , choreography, and energy!  Please pour Your blessings on us.  Help us to dance for You & to praise You in a way that will reach to others.

Thank You for Liza having a friend over today.

“Our father who are in heaven, hallowed be thy name.  Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven…”

Amen

Monday March 10, 2003

Dear God in 3 Persons~

I have just finished the book Holy Ambition and I lack only one thing on the list:  a strategic plan.  I have a dislocated heart, about our national and world struggles, about the dance needs in Austin, about wanting & needing to live in Austin.  I have a broken spirit about these things; I definitely have a radical faith & personal commitment & You have given me a courageous soul.  The only thing I’m lacking is a strategic plan.  And I can’t have a strategic plan without Your vision for Your holy plan utilizing me, Greg, our family & our talents.

Lord, I realize that my choreography, staging and design is exactly how I can be successful for You for Your plan.

I must have the final outcome in my mind & then I can work backwards to figure out how to achieve the goal.

I know that when You give me Your vision & plan, that with courage from You, I can strategize a plan with You to accomplish amazing things along the journey to achieve Your divine plan.

I am chompin’ at the bit.  I am fired up!  I am so ready to jump at Your plan–more so than any other opportunities than have come our way yet.

You are an awesome God  And I say ‘WOW!’

Amen

PS–I have been discouraged & weary, but this reminder of Jesus’ struggles feeds me to go on.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author & perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, & sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary & lose heart.”  Hebrews 12:2-3

Thank you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Dear Lord Jesus~

I pray in preparation for my time with You today; for focus, intimacy, wisdom and understanding.  Please speak through Your Word to me with clear understanding.

Psalm 26 definitely speaks for me.  Verse 1 says, “Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life.”

My life, in this ‘cave’ has been blameless, aside from the sins You have forgiven me for & I continue to pray for Your power for control.  But the Psalmist says how I feel.  I’ve stayed away from evil, I’ve proclaimed Your name. And as the author, David, writes, “my feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly I will praise the Lord.” (v12)

I praise You now for all that You’re doing & for what You will do for me & our family

Greg & I met with Blair yesterday.  He said & agreed that we’re at that point where all we need is God.  He said that is not a bad place to be.  That is true.  So true.  All we need, can count on & rely on is God.  We know You will provide.  Let us see it coming, O Lord.  Let us be so close to You that we see the answer coming & are not chastised for too little faith.

In 1 Corinthians 15:55-58 You remind me that You have taken care of even my greatest enemy, death (although I actually fear many other things than death itself).  You smacked death by dying on the cross & living again.  I will live again with You!  So it definitely matters what I do on earth.  It is comforting to know I can “…stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the world of the Lord, because You know that Your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” (v.58)

Amen

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My grandmother’s hope chest that she gave to me and now I have given to Lena. My grandmother had her initials carved onto the right panel; ten years later, my father-in-law carved my initials onto the left panel. I plan to have Lena’s initials carved on the top with room for her daughter’s and future daughters.

Monday, March 24, 2003

To be quite honest, Lord, I really don’t want to be doing this right now.  If it weren’t for Greg, I wouldn’t be.

It’s Monday, the beginning of another week.  We want to go to work.  Lena cried the other day that she has nowhere to go and relax.  We need a home.  We need our things out of storage & around us.  We want & need to celebrate Your victory.

Do You hear me?

I knew You wanted Greg to quit EDS.  You made that very clear & we don’t regret it.  We pray for Your leading and obvious direction for our next move–complete confidence, because we’ll need it in order to be able to ignore the nay-sayers & for us to press forth with Your plan.  Next week will be one year since Greg quit EDS on April 1st.  This can not be an April Fool’s joke.

Hallelujah for the removal of Dick Brown at EDS.  Open doors for Greg, Lord; help him to reinstall the values back in the company.  Let’s go!

Lord, I whole-heartedly pray for Mike & DiAnne.  Their marriage has been strained by their trials.  Why do they have to suffer for so long?  It seems so unfair.  They have been such devout followers for You for so long.  Why punish them?  They need Your intervention immediately.  Please soften their hearts.  They need You so.  I pray that You use me in talking with DiAnne.  She really needs a friend.

This dying moment-to-moment day stuff is very old!  Can’t I just live?!  Yes!  I know there’s a war going on & people overseas & POWs who are yearning for Your attention.  And yes, please hear them all.  Keep them safe.  Save their souls and expand the Christian territory!   Keep the Tabers safe, please.  But help us too.  I am not a life-sufferer; a professional mercenary.  I’m Jodie, a daughter of Christ, trying to do what is right & trying to hang on.

I pray for a miracle today!

Amen

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

I’m here again.  Reading Job.

Brat Attack!

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Brat attack!  These journal entries cry, scream & kick up a tantrum storm.  Much like this picture (click pic to view larger) , where my daughter, Lena, stands center, performing with her dance troupe, Collin Dance Ensemble in 2011, God can take us acting like a total brat.  Sometimes we just have to spew out, “I can’t take it anymore!”  And God can take it.  He knows how we feel.  He allows us to scream from the heart.  A good cry is cathartic to the soul, albeit puffy for the eyes.

I leave these entries without much intro except to say that, much like reading Revelations, know that we win in the end.

Monday, October 14, 2002

Bad news last Friday.  Why.  Why are we constantly so close & then it’s all dashed?!  I feel despair & hope at the same time.  I still believe in Your miracles, but can’t believe we still have to live with the unknown & the monotony for however long now.  All of our prospects seem lost the money only goes out.  Greg is hanging on just above despair.  i am so proud to be his wife & to go through this together with us both looking to You & for setting an example.

Jesus, please work Your miracles.  Depression is creeping all around.  The cheerleader in me is tired.  The concoctions of hope I have been so sure of these past 9 months seem true one minute & then crazed just the next.

Why are our kids put through this continual lingering?  We live on the edge each moment; each phone call; that we may finally release & rejoice & have the festivals You spoke of in Zechariah.

For now…I unload the dishwasher do the endless laundry help & cajole the homework, work on the play–thank You for the play–& YES, HAVE HOPE…LOOK TO YOU.  Praise Your gifts to me…even today…and I pray again to You, dear Jesus.

Today, Jesus, please banish despair in me, in Greg, in the kids (if they’re feeling it).  Today, Jesus, work Your miracles & let me have Your eyes to see them.

Amen

P.S.  In reading past entries, I realize I need to say a praise…for Lena’s ignite of will to learn & succeed.  She got a 98 on a math quiz retake!  You are with her!  Lord, please help us to figure out how we can get Cody involved in something physical.  It is very obvious that he needs to exert energy daily & that his mood desperately needs it.

Thank You!

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Lord, do You see my out-stretched hand?  Your child is crying!  Hear my prayer!  I need Your miracles!  We need Your miracles.  Desperation is all around.  I can identify with the urgency of the Psalmist, “crying & gnashing of teeth.”  I am like Moses now, grey with a long beard, ready to come off the mountain!  Bless me.  Save me.  Bless me.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

It is difficult not to have hope.  You are here, there is hope.  Frustration tired of not knowing and waiting are beyond done; occasionally, actually often, senile laughter about it all helps, but there is always hope.  Actually hope, concrete, factual hope, No.

No leads, no possible job calls, no interviews.  But a hope in my heart.  Dear Lord, please actualize that heart-filled hope.  Make real the plan I know You have tucked in my heart & in Greg’s heart.  Today, today, today.  Thank You, as always.

2 Corinthians 6:3-10 tells what we have & are going through.  We’ve run the gamut.  Even the “40 Days of Purpose” feels like I’ve ticked off each item on the daily list of soul-seeking questions.

We pray & work, we trust & prepare.

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October 21, 2002

Being completely honest today, Lord.  I’m irritated.  I’ve prayed & focused for so long that I’m tired!!!!  The race is long & the finish line keeps being pulled away!  I’m tired!  i want to get on with the next thing!   I’ve got it!  I’ve learned!  Great!  Now let me make my list, get after accomplishing it & get my family moved!  ENOUGH!!!!

Why test me to my utter exhaustion?  Doesn’t the enemy torture his opponent & grin at his despair!  Take me from under Your thumb!!  Hold me in Your arms…carry me through.  You tell me to pray continually.  Well, are you deaf?!  Are You a child who must be told repeatedly?!

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Please forgive me, oh God!  Give me peace.  Let my prayers ring of praise, praise, praise!  Please.

October 24, 2002

As hard as I try I cannot not love You.  Tear me down  Be silent.  Push my patience to the very edge…I still praise Your Holy Name!  I have loved & praised You always.  I never remember not loving, knowing & believing.  Why should I stop now?

I don’t get all that is going on.  And I know that You weep for me.  But, I trust You & I still know that You have a plan for me & my family; a plan so incredible that I cannot fathom it.  I can’t conjure up images & scenarios of the possibilities–that was my former, young Christian self.  Now that I am speeding (ha ha!) through my teen years, I am maturing & getting closer to You.  I have reactions like a spoiled brat, I kick, scream & storm away, but I really want Your embrace & assurance that everything will be okay.

“Our God is an awesome God.  He reigns from heaven above.  With wisdom, power & love.  Our God is an awesome God!”