Brat attack! These journal entries cry, scream & kick up a tantrum storm. Much like this picture (click pic to view larger) , where my daughter, Lena, stands center, performing with her dance troupe, Collin Dance Ensemble in 2011, God can take us acting like a total brat. Sometimes we just have to spew out, “I can’t take it anymore!” And God can take it. He knows how we feel. He allows us to scream from the heart. A good cry is cathartic to the soul, albeit puffy for the eyes.
I leave these entries without much intro except to say that, much like reading Revelations, know that we win in the end.
Monday, October 14, 2002
Bad news last Friday. Why. Why are we constantly so close & then it’s all dashed?! I feel despair & hope at the same time. I still believe in Your miracles, but can’t believe we still have to live with the unknown & the monotony for however long now. All of our prospects seem lost the money only goes out. Greg is hanging on just above despair. i am so proud to be his wife & to go through this together with us both looking to You & for setting an example.
Jesus, please work Your miracles. Depression is creeping all around. The cheerleader in me is tired. The concoctions of hope I have been so sure of these past 9 months seem true one minute & then crazed just the next.
Why are our kids put through this continual lingering? We live on the edge each moment; each phone call; that we may finally release & rejoice & have the festivals You spoke of in Zechariah.
For now…I unload the dishwasher do the endless laundry help & cajole the homework, work on the play–thank You for the play–& YES, HAVE HOPE…LOOK TO YOU. Praise Your gifts to me…even today…and I pray again to You, dear Jesus.
Today, Jesus, please banish despair in me, in Greg, in the kids (if they’re feeling it). Today, Jesus, work Your miracles & let me have Your eyes to see them.
P.S. In reading past entries, I realize I need to say a praise…for Lena’s ignite of will to learn & succeed. She got a 98 on a math quiz retake! You are with her! Lord, please help us to figure out how we can get Cody involved in something physical. It is very obvious that he needs to exert energy daily & that his mood desperately needs it.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
Lord, do You see my out-stretched hand? Your child is crying! Hear my prayer! I need Your miracles! We need Your miracles. Desperation is all around. I can identify with the urgency of the Psalmist, “crying & gnashing of teeth.” I am like Moses now, grey with a long beard, ready to come off the mountain! Bless me. Save me. Bless me.
Thursday, October 17, 2002
It is difficult not to have hope. You are here, there is hope. Frustration tired of not knowing and waiting are beyond done; occasionally, actually often, senile laughter about it all helps, but there is always hope. Actually hope, concrete, factual hope, No.
No leads, no possible job calls, no interviews. But a hope in my heart. Dear Lord, please actualize that heart-filled hope. Make real the plan I know You have tucked in my heart & in Greg’s heart. Today, today, today. Thank You, as always.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10 tells what we have & are going through. We’ve run the gamut. Even the “40 Days of Purpose” feels like I’ve ticked off each item on the daily list of soul-seeking questions.
We pray & work, we trust & prepare.
October 21, 2002
Being completely honest today, Lord. I’m irritated. I’ve prayed & focused for so long that I’m tired!!!! The race is long & the finish line keeps being pulled away! I’m tired! i want to get on with the next thing! I’ve got it! I’ve learned! Great! Now let me make my list, get after accomplishing it & get my family moved! ENOUGH!!!!
Why test me to my utter exhaustion? Doesn’t the enemy torture his opponent & grin at his despair! Take me from under Your thumb!! Hold me in Your arms…carry me through. You tell me to pray continually. Well, are you deaf?! Are You a child who must be told repeatedly?!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me, oh God! Give me peace. Let my prayers ring of praise, praise, praise! Please.
October 24, 2002
As hard as I try I cannot not love You. Tear me down Be silent. Push my patience to the very edge…I still praise Your Holy Name! I have loved & praised You always. I never remember not loving, knowing & believing. Why should I stop now?
I don’t get all that is going on. And I know that You weep for me. But, I trust You & I still know that You have a plan for me & my family; a plan so incredible that I cannot fathom it. I can’t conjure up images & scenarios of the possibilities–that was my former, young Christian self. Now that I am speeding (ha ha!) through my teen years, I am maturing & getting closer to You. I have reactions like a spoiled brat, I kick, scream & storm away, but I really want Your embrace & assurance that everything will be okay.
“Our God is an awesome God. He reigns from heaven above. With wisdom, power & love. Our God is an awesome God!”